Your mother…

I found myself, once again, sending your mother a text message. Your mother is having a difficult time absorbing, and accepting everything. She is in denial and she is depressed at the possibility of it being all true. You choosing to leave me. The criminal charges laid against you. Hearing about your infidelity, and the lies. She doesn’t know what to believe. I tell her something, you tell her something and she doesn’t know who is telling the truth.

You are her son, her only son, and she will always give you the benefit of the doubt even if all the evidence is lined up against you. Why would you lie to your mother….right? Well, if the truth is bad. Really bad. If it will make you look like a monster. If it will destroy your facade, you will lie and lie and lie and lie to protect yourself. In your eyes, no one can ever know the truth. No one can know the “real” you. The real you, you have only truly shown to me.

You know the truth. but you refuse to confess it to her, your father, your sister, your new “supply” (girlfriend), to your friends, co-workers, and acquaintances . Every once in a while they will get a glimpse of the “real” you but you are very careful not to expose that side of your self- unless of course you no longer have use for them in your life.

Your mother questions why I waited so long to say something about the abuse. Why I waited until now to place a complaint against you to the police. She thinks I am being vindictive because you left me. You think I am being vindictive because you left me. This is not the case. If you do, you think to highly of your self, mind you, you are a narcissist/psychopath, so you do think highly of yourself.

You even thought the same thing when I tried to kill myself- you thought I was doing it because you were leaving me. What’s even more funnier than that, you thought I was manipulating you by me telling you I was going to kill myself or by going through the act. You thought, by me “threatening” to commit suicide or by going through the act it would get you to stay with me. I am sure when you were in Egypt, someone put that “thought”, that “word” into your mind. “Scott, your wife is manipulating you to try to get you to stay.” or perhaps it was your new “supply” that you have been working on. (You would never think of that yourself. Any idea, any thought that entered your mind, unless you read it out of a text book, came from someone else- a friend- an acquaintance. They gave you that idea or thought. I believe you are an intelligent person in specific areas, but in general, I really don’t believe your that intelligent. Your lazy. You follow the crowd. Your not a leader, you don’t take the initiative to do things, you take short cuts. When you do come up with an idea or thought of your own, your even surprised at yourself for coming up with it or thinking it. I can hear it in your voice, the excitement, the amazement, and I can see it on your face. Your eyes widen, your smile grows. You look like a little child who just learned how to put the square block into the square hole. You are so pleased with yourself.)

Yes, the timing of putting in the complaint against you may not have been the best, but is there really a “good” time to do it. No. It wouldn’t have mattered when I did it. This is not something someone “plans”. It may “appear” I did it because you left me to you, your mother and possible to others but that is not why I waited until now to put in the complaint against you that lead to your arrest and charges being laid against you. Perhaps, that is why your mother has a difficult time believing the charges that are laid against you are real- because of doing it now. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what she thinks and it doesn’t matter what you think. Just because I waited to do it until now, doesn’t mean the abuse that you inflicted upon me didn’t happen because it did happen.

I did it because it had to be done. I did it because you broke the law. I knew what I was doing was right. I did it because you showed absolutely no form of remorse or guilt for anything you did to me. You showed me no compassion or sympathy. You didn’t care how you treated me, what you did to me, what you said to me, or how it affected me psychologically and emotionally. You didn’t care what it did to me mentally. I did it because you almost destroyed me. I did it because I had nothing to lose anymore- everything I had ever known was gone, including myself.

When I did it the only emotions I felt were fear. Fear of what you would do when you found out. Fear of how you would react. Fear of when they would do it. Would I be in the hospital or would I be with you. The emotions I did not feel when I did it were anger, sadness, happy or shame.