I dreamed of you ….

I dream about you when my eyes close or as you would sometimes call it during an , “extended blink”.

I am overwhelmed with emotion, with sadness as I remember you making that comment to me. All I want to do is tell you “I miss you, and I love you.”

I wish you knew how much I love you. Perhaps you do.

I really do Scott.

I wish you knew how much my heart was breaking right now because of what you did to me.. All I have to do is think about you- think of you when you were nice to me. Think about something you said to me like what I just typed above, “extended blink” and the memories come flooding back to me. You would be sitting on our couch watching a movie, playing a video game and I would ask you, “Are you sleeping”, and you would respond with, “no.” Then I would say, “but your eyes are closed.” You would then say, “It’s an extended blink.”

It’s the little things from the love bombing stage and from the golden period I remember and what I miss. I wanted to desperately to see that Scott again. That’s the Scott I miss. They tell me none of it was real. Your not capable of loving anyone or being loved. You have no empathy, but for me it was real. It was all real. I can not deny my feelings for you during that time, even if you felt nothing., even if it meant nothing to you. It is during those stages our children were created. It is during those stages you would tell me you loved me, you would hold me close to you in your arms, you would hold my hand. You would flirt with me.

My heart hurts so much when I remember you during those times, and as I write this I am crying. My eyes are filling up with water and begin to over flow like a dam that can no longer hold in the water because of the excessive rain fall. I can barley see the screen.

I dreamed of you today….

I dreamed you were wearing your military green camouflage uniform. I went up to you to give you a hug. As I approached you and started to slide my arms under your armpits so I could wrap my arms around you, you pulled your arms back- rejecting my hug. I tell you it’s just a hug. A hug you would give a friend, a family member, a stranger. It’s just a hug. But secretly it was a way for me to get close to you. To feel you because I craved to feel any type of affection from you. It hurt so much when you would pull away from me. It was like you wanted me to know I wasn’t worthy of your affection. I disgusted you because I was overweight and I didn’t deserve a hug. You would eventually cave in and give me a hug, and as I would lay my face against your uniform, feel the fabric, feel your warmth, trying to get close to your heart, you would light pat my back with your hands like I was a disease- barely wanting to touch me. Then you would give in a little further as I continued to hug you longer and then you would start to squeeze me tight. You weren’t trying to hold me closer to you, like I was to you, you wanted to hurt me. You were annoyed you HAD to give me a hug- even though made the final choice to give me one was yours. It was your way of punishing me for forcing you to show me affection. Affection you wanted to withhold from me.

I didn’t care.

I needed that hug like a fish needs water.

I was starving from not having any affection from you. I wanted you to love me so badly. I wanted to hear you tell me you loved me but you refused.

I was slowly dying.