Sometimes I pretend….

Sometimes I pretend you never existed.

Did you really?

All you were was an illusion.

I have learned so much about you since you left me. I know what you are but I don’t think you do. I believe you know you are different then everyone else. You think differently. You don’t feel anything- you are numb. You don’t know how to feel like the rest of us do. You don’t know what it means to “feel” loved, or to love someone. You would often tell me and the kids, “love isn’t real. It’s just a chemical reaction.” Now I understand why you felt that way. You can’t feel empathy, sympathy or have compassion towards anyone. You are mean, cruel, heartless and as you would say to me all the time…”I’m an asshole”.

What you are is…..a malignant narcissist psychopath.

Sometimes I pretend you died. I even know the day you died, and the year, 1999.

It was the first day you betrayed my trust or at least that is the first time I knew you betrayed my trust. It was the first day you lied to me and the first day you cheated on me. The day you told me you had to work late at Blockbuster Video but instead you went out to the bar with some friends from work. I honestly believe, and still believe to this day it was to hook up with a girl from work.

A grown man, acting like a child, a teenager, calling his wife on the phone and telling her they were short handed at work, and if it was ok if you stayed until closing. I remember where I was and what I was doing when you called me. I was sitting on our blue futon couch. I remember what it felt like when I was talking to you on the phone, listening to your every word and what it felt like when I got off the phone with you.

I remember thinking to myself as you were telling me the story you had created, “He’s lying to me.” However, you played on the fact that I use to be a manager at McDonald’s when I was younger and knew I wouldn’t “question” you about it. You knew, I knew what it was like to be short handed during a shift. You knew I would sympathize with them. You played on the fact that I had empathy and I would know what it would feel like if I was the manager of the store, and how much I would appreciate a staff member agreeing to stay . But I knew you were lying. I wanted to say no. Every ounce of me was telling me to say No. You have no idea how much I fought off saying those words to you. I should have gone with my instincts, I should have said, NO.

But what if….what if you were telling me the truth? How would that make me look if I said, No? What would that tell you? It would tell you I didn’t trust you. I wanted you to know I trusted you, so I said, ok. I think I even told you, I knew what it was like to be short handed and how much they would appreciate you staying. I wonder to myself now, when you got off the phone, were you smiling. Smiling that you got away with it. That it was so easy. I was so cullable. It was so easy to fool me. Where you proud of yourself for lying to your wife? This wasn’t a white lie you told me. You didn’t take cookies from a cookie jar and say you didn’t. You didn’t tell me I looked fine in the outfit I was wearing- when I didn’t so my feelings wouldn’t be hurt. No, you LIED. You lied to your wife, your friend, your eternal companion.

What you didn’t know, what every part of my body knew, I KNEW you WERE LYING to me. I DIDN’T believe you. You ONLY got away with your lie through the words you spoke on the phone but my body knew differently. My mind knew differently. When I got off the phone with you, I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to throw up. You have no idea how that feels and I don’t think you will ever know. Let me explain. It’s like someone punching you in the stomach hard. Your face turns pale. You feel like throwing up, you feel like passing out. Every emotion is entering your body at once. It’s like finding out someone you loved just died. Little did I know back then someone did die on that day, that someone was you.

You came home that night, shortly after midnight, like you would have if you had worked a shift. I was in our bedroom sitting on our bed, waiting for you. You came into our bedroom, took off your clothes and changed. As you were walking out of our bedroom, you through your clothes into the clothes hamper behind our bedroom door. Something you NEVER did. You went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I immediately jumped out of bed, grabbed your clothes and smelled them. They smelled like cigarette smoke and perfume. You can only imagine how they made me feel. All of my suspicions were true…you were lying to me. Even when I confronted you with it, you still tried to lie about it. But I knew the truth. I smelled it on your clothes and there was no hiding it. you were caught and you knew it. So you told me you had lied to me. That you went out. You went to Aj’s a bar downtown. You told me you went with co-workers to celebrate a staff members birthday- a female staff members birthday. You told me a half truth. I remember telling you if it was that important to you, we could have gone together. We could have gotten a babysitter and we could have both gone. You told me you didn’t want me to go. You said I would have ruined your fun. You couldn’t be yourself if I was there. You didn’t want me there. That’s when I knew I knew you liked her, and now as I sit here writing this, I knew you took her out to celebrate her birthday that night.

She was your secondary supply.

Sometimes I pretend you never existed, you were only an illusion because that’s what you were, an illusion.